Thriving relationships look different depending on the goal of the relationship. Some people look for companionship and others, a short-term relationship that meets a particular need in their lives. It’s important to understand what the intention of the relationship is to evaluate whether it’s thriving or not, writes TSBU clinical psychologist Lwanele Khasu.
There are some general pointers to look out for.
A thriving couple relationship reflects the aligned personal values of the couple. Most people have values of trust, honesty and respect, to name a few and for others these differ. Personal values generally depend on the individual’s principles and how they would like to live their lives. No matter what these are, a thriving relationship will reflect individuals mutually honouring these values for the sake of their partner.
They also explicitly communicate their needs, likes, dislikes, and expectations and their partner listens and honours the requests to the best of their ability.
How do you build a thriving couple relationship?
- Communicate expectations: Know what your partner wants and express what you want as well. It is also important that the expectations are realistic.
- Define the relationship: This eliminates conflict based on the misalignment on the purpose of the relationship. Ask each other difficult questions to get to the core of what you and your partner want out of the relationship.
- Practice empathy and forgiveness: Relationships are made up of different individuals, so mistakes and misunderstandings are bound to occur. You may need to re-communicate your desires to your partner and both parties need to be patient while getting to know each other’s needs.
- Have individual lives: Some people feel suffocated by long-term relationships because they assimilate into their partner’s world. They assume they need to completely merge their lives with their partner but this brews resentment and suffocation. If both parties keep an aspect of being independent, the relationship is more likely to feel enjoyable.
- Have shared activities that you both enjoy to continuously build a bond.
What are some of the negative effects Covid-19?
- It has been magnifying the problems that may have been present all along but were either dormant or were being avoided.
- There have been high levels of intimacy demand. Previously people would have had multiple spaces to destress and express their emotions but during the Covid-19 pandemic, partners have been the sole or one of the few spaces they could outlet, hence the pressure in relationships.
- Distance for those that live apart has been hard to navigate, which usually leaves room for questioning the seriousness of the relationship or whether your partner is as committed as you believe you are.
Has any benefit been experienced?
For some it has provided quality time and precious moments spent together. For others, it has allowed them to see the perspective of how much they value the person and they may want to intentionally commit to making the relationship work. Some couples also benefited from having conversations as a chance to re-evaluate what each person’s expectations are and realign their relationship goals.
How do we build a thriving relationship in a stressful situation?
For the most part, this process is the same as building a relationship under normal circumstances. However, during stressful experiences, most people do not have the same capacity for empathy. They may be focused on their own lives and how their situations need more attention from them rather than considering how to effectively communicate with a partner. Forgetfulness of values and principles may surface and all these may cause fall-outs in the relationship. During stressful times, couples need to be intentional to care for the other and also allow for more forgiveness as confusions and conflict may occur during overwhelming situations.
How can couples establish the path to a thriving relationship?
- Be clear about expectations.
- Listen to each other and if you are not sure whether you are understanding your partner. Confirm with them whether you understand their opinion properly.
- Rather over communicate than under communicate.
- Be flexible and take into account that both you and your partner may have different views about a topic so be adaptable in your thoughts.
- Be dependable when your partner requests help from you.
- Fight fair, remember what the conflict is supposed to achieve, don’t say words to hurt your partner because you are hurt.
- Keep your life balanced by not over committing yourself and leaving no time for your marriage or relationship.
- Spend time together to allow you to constantly get to know each other as you both evolve.
- Pay attention to your partner and what they say, ask for, and communicate to you.
- Repair regularly when there’s a rapture in the relationship. Don’t let situations escalate unresolved.
How do we do this alongside the pressures of raising children?
- Always be intentional. Children will always require attention but there are certain things that can be done by a babysitter or a helper. Utilise the help around you to free up time to engage meaningfully with your spouse.
- Have date nights to keep dating traditions going.
- Communicate when feeling unloved or when you need attention from your spouse.
- Remember that it’s not about choosing between your partner and your children. If you set time aside for your relationships, you will be able to have quality time to grow all your relationships meaningfully, including your relationship with yourself.
Book your space on the Building Healthy Relationships to Thrive workshop.
Ms Lwanele Khasu is a clinical psychologist with a special interest in empowering self-filters into relationships with others, development in career, and self-fulfilment.